Call me ungrateful but I can never stop myself from being envious of others.
"I'm happy for you!"
It is difficult for me to recite that phrase with sincerity to anyone unless I have no care at all towards the object that is making that particular subject very happy. I wonder whether I am actually a bad person. I hope I never did anything in particular dengki-ish stuffs to anyone. Did I? Ahh, does public apology works? If so, to whom it may concern, I apologize for all the wrongdoings I have done in the past which I solely believe it was unintentional.
But that's not the case here.
"Oh jelesnye budak tu rajin siot,"
"Ah cibey gempaknye die,"
Or anything as such.
I often used 'envy' as my motivation to be better in anything. Envy was such a powerful drive to push me into being a competitive person. It was an exciting era and my self-esteem was top notch back then.
Today, its a different case.
Envy is no more a fuel for me. It's just a simple feeling of discontent of seeing something that is possessed by someone other. My fuel for motivation seems to change into something I have yet to figure it out. I found this new insecurity in having this needs to achieve something in life. Sadly, this insecurity is still not a strong element to drive me forward, instead occasionally haunts me in early morning, lonely evening or at late night.
I just want to be better. Is that good enough?
I, perhaps, just growing up. A little late though.
"I'm happy for you!"
It is difficult for me to recite that phrase with sincerity to anyone unless I have no care at all towards the object that is making that particular subject very happy. I wonder whether I am actually a bad person. I hope I never did anything in particular dengki-ish stuffs to anyone. Did I? Ahh, does public apology works? If so, to whom it may concern, I apologize for all the wrongdoings I have done in the past which I solely believe it was unintentional.
But that's not the case here.
"Oh jelesnye budak tu rajin siot,"
"Ah cibey gempaknye die,"
Or anything as such.
I often used 'envy' as my motivation to be better in anything. Envy was such a powerful drive to push me into being a competitive person. It was an exciting era and my self-esteem was top notch back then.
Today, its a different case.
Envy is no more a fuel for me. It's just a simple feeling of discontent of seeing something that is possessed by someone other. My fuel for motivation seems to change into something I have yet to figure it out. I found this new insecurity in having this needs to achieve something in life. Sadly, this insecurity is still not a strong element to drive me forward, instead occasionally haunts me in early morning, lonely evening or at late night.
I just want to be better. Is that good enough?
I, perhaps, just growing up. A little late though.
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